It's been a while. I view this blog more as a diary than a blog. I like to use this forum to keep track of my thoughts when I feel the need to write them down.
I feel like there is so much on the horizon that I can almost not comprehend. I am going to be starting a new job this next week that is hopefully going to become a lifetime career for me. This is my last week to be at home and be with my little one. It has been great being home with her, but I feel like I am truly at my best when I am not stuck at home. I can contribute so much more! Even when I would have 3 or more days off of work I would feel this way. I think it will be beneficial to be back on a routine schedule. I have guilt feeling this way...I feel that I should want nothing more than to stay home with my babe, but I don't feel this way. Does this make me a bad parent?
I don't know.
I just want to provide the best life for Audrey and I feel that in order to do this, me working will provide a great life for her. Between Tyler and I we are going to making enough to provide an amazing life for her, with room to grow! That's pretty great. It's hard right now, because I want to compare myself to others that I graduated with. They are already buying their own/building their own dream homes while we are still living in a one bedroom condo. We are just taking our time, I need to accept that.
I'm ready for this life change. I'm nervous about the changes, like I always am about change...bring it on though.
It's time for a change. I'm ready to have a new job. I'm ready to make changes to my physical life style, emotional life style, and everything else.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
No one told me about this
My journey to MILF status is not only a weight issue, it is also a clear skin issue.
Hello, my name is Nikki and I have psoriasis. Psoriasis is an autoimmune disease that basically has my immune system not working at it's optimal level. It is actually over acting, if only I were still in theatre, and producing new skin cells at an abnormally fast rate. Normal people shed skin cells on a regular basis, every month I believe it is. Well my skin cells decide to regenerate on a daily/weekly basis. So I end up with these lovely raised, red, scaly patches all over my body. My skin is an overachiever! If only it was a good thing. I was officially diagnosed when I was in my teens, maybe 16 or so. It didn't start truly affecting me until my early 20's. That is when it became obvious that my skin didn't look like everyone else's. It is something that affects my self esteem on a daily basis, so I finally decided it was time to take action and do something about it!
Back in 2008, a couple of months before my wedding in April of 2009, I went to a dermatologist to see what my options were on clearing my skin. I wanted to have clear skin for my wedding. She put me on Enbrel, a biologic drug that was a miracle worker in my case. I had never seen my skin so clear. It is a scary medicine in a way since you have to give yourself shots! but it worked and I was happy. It was costing me $50/month which was doable with the help of a "loyalty" card given to me by the drug manufacturer. Well, I had crappy insurance so that loyalty card ran out fast and unbeknowst to me I went to pick up my refill and the pharmacist told me the total would be $1200!!! Uhh....yea, thanks but no thanks. So that ended my clear skin run.
I have been on and off insurance up until recently so I never really went to a new dermatologist to check on the status of my psoriasis. It was manageable, so it wasn't a huge deal to me. Well, when I got pregnant, my psoriais flared a bit, and then went into a sort of remission. It never fully went away, but my legs were practically completely cleared, which was always my worst area. I was pretty stoked about having clearer skin. Unfortunately, as soon as I gave birth, my psoriasis came back with a vengence. I had Audrey on a Tuesday morning, and that evening in the hospital recovery room my skin started itching. In the weeks following I could see my skin get worse and worse as each day went by. I decided it was time to once and for all do something about it once I realized I was leaving psoriasis flakes all around my house and on my baby. It's gross, I know, but it's the truth.
I found my new dermatologist through the Psoriasis Foundation's website. I've only had one visit with him, but I can already tell we are going to have a good relationship. He was shocked at how quickly my psoriasis came back post partum. It usually gives new mothers a couple of months before coming back as badly as mine did, not just a few hours. So after thinking about it, I decided to try another biologic drug, Humira. This is another medicine that you have to self inject, but it is not as frequent as the Enbrel. It was a hard decision because I had to give up breast feeding. This is something I did not want to do, since I wanted to strictly breast feed for at least 6 months-1 year. But, I realized that in order for me to be the best mother I could be to my sweet baby, I needed to be comfortable with myself and happy in my skin. Which by this point, I wasn't. I was itchy, flaky and physically in pain. I would lay awake at night itching my skin and bleeding because I couldn't stop itching, even though I would try my hardest not to itch. This was also a hard decision because Humira is a serious drug. It supresses your immune system and can potentially have some crazy side effects. It scares the crap out of me to be taking such a serious drug, but after weighing the advantages and disadvantages, I decided it was the route I needed to take.
I am only one shot in and I can already tell a difference. My spots are not itchy and already becoming less red and inflamed. I was suffering from some joint pain, which is common with psoriasis sufferers, and that pain is completely gone. I take my second shot on Saturday and then have to inject myself every other week after that. From what I have read online, most people saw major clearing within 4-6 weeks. I'm praying that this medicine works and I can be comfortable in my own skin.
I have had some anxiety surrounding the shots because I am scared shitless of the possible side effects. On Friday, when I had my first shot, I had a minor panic attack thinking I was going to be one of the rare cases that had an allergic reaction. Obviously I am fine and still here, but that is just how my mind works. Hopefully my anxiety surrounding the shots will subside as well. Only time will tell I suppose.
Hello, my name is Nikki and I have psoriasis. Psoriasis is an autoimmune disease that basically has my immune system not working at it's optimal level. It is actually over acting, if only I were still in theatre, and producing new skin cells at an abnormally fast rate. Normal people shed skin cells on a regular basis, every month I believe it is. Well my skin cells decide to regenerate on a daily/weekly basis. So I end up with these lovely raised, red, scaly patches all over my body. My skin is an overachiever! If only it was a good thing. I was officially diagnosed when I was in my teens, maybe 16 or so. It didn't start truly affecting me until my early 20's. That is when it became obvious that my skin didn't look like everyone else's. It is something that affects my self esteem on a daily basis, so I finally decided it was time to take action and do something about it!
Back in 2008, a couple of months before my wedding in April of 2009, I went to a dermatologist to see what my options were on clearing my skin. I wanted to have clear skin for my wedding. She put me on Enbrel, a biologic drug that was a miracle worker in my case. I had never seen my skin so clear. It is a scary medicine in a way since you have to give yourself shots! but it worked and I was happy. It was costing me $50/month which was doable with the help of a "loyalty" card given to me by the drug manufacturer. Well, I had crappy insurance so that loyalty card ran out fast and unbeknowst to me I went to pick up my refill and the pharmacist told me the total would be $1200!!! Uhh....yea, thanks but no thanks. So that ended my clear skin run.
I have been on and off insurance up until recently so I never really went to a new dermatologist to check on the status of my psoriasis. It was manageable, so it wasn't a huge deal to me. Well, when I got pregnant, my psoriais flared a bit, and then went into a sort of remission. It never fully went away, but my legs were practically completely cleared, which was always my worst area. I was pretty stoked about having clearer skin. Unfortunately, as soon as I gave birth, my psoriasis came back with a vengence. I had Audrey on a Tuesday morning, and that evening in the hospital recovery room my skin started itching. In the weeks following I could see my skin get worse and worse as each day went by. I decided it was time to once and for all do something about it once I realized I was leaving psoriasis flakes all around my house and on my baby. It's gross, I know, but it's the truth.
I found my new dermatologist through the Psoriasis Foundation's website. I've only had one visit with him, but I can already tell we are going to have a good relationship. He was shocked at how quickly my psoriasis came back post partum. It usually gives new mothers a couple of months before coming back as badly as mine did, not just a few hours. So after thinking about it, I decided to try another biologic drug, Humira. This is another medicine that you have to self inject, but it is not as frequent as the Enbrel. It was a hard decision because I had to give up breast feeding. This is something I did not want to do, since I wanted to strictly breast feed for at least 6 months-1 year. But, I realized that in order for me to be the best mother I could be to my sweet baby, I needed to be comfortable with myself and happy in my skin. Which by this point, I wasn't. I was itchy, flaky and physically in pain. I would lay awake at night itching my skin and bleeding because I couldn't stop itching, even though I would try my hardest not to itch. This was also a hard decision because Humira is a serious drug. It supresses your immune system and can potentially have some crazy side effects. It scares the crap out of me to be taking such a serious drug, but after weighing the advantages and disadvantages, I decided it was the route I needed to take.
I am only one shot in and I can already tell a difference. My spots are not itchy and already becoming less red and inflamed. I was suffering from some joint pain, which is common with psoriasis sufferers, and that pain is completely gone. I take my second shot on Saturday and then have to inject myself every other week after that. From what I have read online, most people saw major clearing within 4-6 weeks. I'm praying that this medicine works and I can be comfortable in my own skin.
I have had some anxiety surrounding the shots because I am scared shitless of the possible side effects. On Friday, when I had my first shot, I had a minor panic attack thinking I was going to be one of the rare cases that had an allergic reaction. Obviously I am fine and still here, but that is just how my mind works. Hopefully my anxiety surrounding the shots will subside as well. Only time will tell I suppose.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
A Little Intro
Well hello there...welcome to my little corner of the world wide web! I'm a new mom, stuck at home on maternity leave, so I thought I would start writing in my free time to give myself something to do...there is only so much house cleaning I can do at this point before wanting to shoot myself in the foot.
Like any, strike that, like every new mom I am ready to lose the baby weight and become a bonafide MILF! Luckily I only gained about 30-35 lbs during pregnancy and I only have about 15 lbs to lose to be my pre-preggo size. But...I started out this pregnancy being the largest I have even been weight wise. So my goal is to lose more weight than what I started at and finally get into the shape I've always wanted/needed to get into. I feel like it is more crucial than ever to lose weight and get healthy because I have a new life that is dependent on me and in order to be the best for her I need to do the best for me.
A little back story: I have always been a bit on the overweight side. Now, I've never been so large that I got bullied or anything like that and I had friends throughout school, but I was always the sidekick to my friends. I was never the one that had her own boyfriend and I always felt like I was the tag along friend that just went along with what everyone else was doing. I never stood up for myself and I was just too shy to really put myself out there. I'm not an introvert by any means, it's just that I don't necessarily like being the center of attention. My weight did affect my self esteem quite a bit, but I never let it show. It was a silent struggle for me. Once I graduated high school and moved to Austin I started feeling more and more confident about myself. It's pretty cliche, but I did "find myself" by moving away from home. Now...I did some stupid things back then in order to find myself...but who hasn't, right? Anyways, I met my husband in 2006 and he loved me for me, despite my size, so I never felt pressure to be super skinny or anything. We were in love and enjoying life, which included eating lots of good food! I didn't put a ton of weight on, but over time it started adding up. Two years ago, I was at my largest weight, can't believe I'm putting it out there, but I was at 230 lbs. We had moved to Amarillo, I was depressed and on anxiety medicine, and I knew I needed to do something to shed the weight. I started weight watchers and lost 30 lbs! I was feeling good! We were only in Amarillo for 2 years and moved back to Austin because we knew that it was our home and where we were meant to be living. Once we moved back I put on about 10-15 lbs somewhat quickly because we were going out with friends, drinking more and enjoying being back in the city we love.
When I found out I was pregnant I was 215 lbs. Like I said earlier, I put on about 30 lbs throughout the pregnancy, not horrible. Well, I also developed gestational diabetes. I was able to control it with diet, but this really struck a cord with me. I know that gestational diabetes doesn't mean I will for sure get Type 2 Diabetes, but it does mean I'm at an increased risk of developing it later in life. How I can decrease my chance is to get healthy! That's where I am now. I had my 6 week postpartum check up this past Wednesday so I am officially clear to workout...among other things ;)
So my plan:
- Eating - My gestational diabetes diet was a low carb/low sugar diet. That's what I'm going to keep doing. I also want to eat cleaner and try to eliminate as much processed crap that I can.
- Exercise - I want to be a runner. I never thought I would say that but it's true. I'm right now walking every day and next week I'm starting the Couch to 5k program. I'm going to add in some basic strength training and things like that in. For the time being I don't have access to a gym, so this will be all done at home, on my own.
Like any, strike that, like every new mom I am ready to lose the baby weight and become a bonafide MILF! Luckily I only gained about 30-35 lbs during pregnancy and I only have about 15 lbs to lose to be my pre-preggo size. But...I started out this pregnancy being the largest I have even been weight wise. So my goal is to lose more weight than what I started at and finally get into the shape I've always wanted/needed to get into. I feel like it is more crucial than ever to lose weight and get healthy because I have a new life that is dependent on me and in order to be the best for her I need to do the best for me.
A little back story: I have always been a bit on the overweight side. Now, I've never been so large that I got bullied or anything like that and I had friends throughout school, but I was always the sidekick to my friends. I was never the one that had her own boyfriend and I always felt like I was the tag along friend that just went along with what everyone else was doing. I never stood up for myself and I was just too shy to really put myself out there. I'm not an introvert by any means, it's just that I don't necessarily like being the center of attention. My weight did affect my self esteem quite a bit, but I never let it show. It was a silent struggle for me. Once I graduated high school and moved to Austin I started feeling more and more confident about myself. It's pretty cliche, but I did "find myself" by moving away from home. Now...I did some stupid things back then in order to find myself...but who hasn't, right? Anyways, I met my husband in 2006 and he loved me for me, despite my size, so I never felt pressure to be super skinny or anything. We were in love and enjoying life, which included eating lots of good food! I didn't put a ton of weight on, but over time it started adding up. Two years ago, I was at my largest weight, can't believe I'm putting it out there, but I was at 230 lbs. We had moved to Amarillo, I was depressed and on anxiety medicine, and I knew I needed to do something to shed the weight. I started weight watchers and lost 30 lbs! I was feeling good! We were only in Amarillo for 2 years and moved back to Austin because we knew that it was our home and where we were meant to be living. Once we moved back I put on about 10-15 lbs somewhat quickly because we were going out with friends, drinking more and enjoying being back in the city we love.
When I found out I was pregnant I was 215 lbs. Like I said earlier, I put on about 30 lbs throughout the pregnancy, not horrible. Well, I also developed gestational diabetes. I was able to control it with diet, but this really struck a cord with me. I know that gestational diabetes doesn't mean I will for sure get Type 2 Diabetes, but it does mean I'm at an increased risk of developing it later in life. How I can decrease my chance is to get healthy! That's where I am now. I had my 6 week postpartum check up this past Wednesday so I am officially clear to workout...among other things ;)
So my plan:
- Eating - My gestational diabetes diet was a low carb/low sugar diet. That's what I'm going to keep doing. I also want to eat cleaner and try to eliminate as much processed crap that I can.
- Exercise - I want to be a runner. I never thought I would say that but it's true. I'm right now walking every day and next week I'm starting the Couch to 5k program. I'm going to add in some basic strength training and things like that in. For the time being I don't have access to a gym, so this will be all done at home, on my own.
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